Instant Social Skills

How to be comfortable in your own skin, while making friends

"When I walk into a room I feel awkward, hoping nobody will speak to me, for what will I say, what can I possibly tell about myself that they will find interesting?"

This is not an uncommon question a lot of people carry into meetings and social events, and if it doesn't apply to you, stop reading now, and go socialise.

However, if it applies to anyone you know, and wish to understand better, or if you want to help anyone feel comfortable in your presence, by all means read on. I must warn you though, I am but one of 8.3 billion consciousnesses believing ourselves to be "human" at this moment on this planet, and, we are all unique. But, at the same time, not so special. We share a lot of mammalian dances and features.

As we evolved into speaking and thinking mammals with self consciousness, we have moved from intuiting our conversations and para-linguistically deciding whether to mate, flee or fight, into dialogue, then texting, then emoticons and abbreviations.

Despite this, some of us will still fill our lips to look more physically attractive from a selfie angle, or gym out and ink our mammalian vessels.

Because, we're still mammals, and our intellect seems to be more of a self-important mutated add-on feature looking to construct meaning and understanding for itself, while we continue mating, fleeing or fighting.

We can build rockets, only to direct them with explosives at each other.

We can cure diseases, yet weaponise them to infect each other.

We can send information, images and videos in a microsecond all over the planet, even to strangers, and use it mainly for humor, disinformation and porn.

Humans. We have to love us, It seems to be all we get this time.

Ok, but how does this make me comfortable and get friends, you may ask. We are getting there, I just want to ask you to accept for the sake of the argument that we are mammals with intellects, and the mammal always wins. Always.

Our main driving forces, contrary to most other mammals are fear, greed and lust.

You don't see many supersmart squirrels claiming their foresquirrels inherited the forests and this gives them the right to charge the rest of the animals rent for it.

You don't see many lions hunting a zillion times more gazelles than they can eat, while others starve.

You also don't see many fish following another fish, applauding while it poops on them and sells their babies to the pelicans.

Humans

We are getting to the point now: what makes a human interesting to another human?

That they seem intelligent, interesting, attractive, friendly, admirable or powerful. Or all of them.

Now you may be thinking "how am I supposed to do that?". And if not, congratulations, or not, depending on how you think it.

The list of tips I will be providing here is in part based on research studies, and we know since 2005 that research studies cannot be trusted. But on the other hand, neither can you or I, so here goes.

Think & Do's to seem intelligent and make friends

Authentic interest - Remember that the secret sauce is to follow any of these authentically. When you come form a place of actually wanting to get to know the other person, and to understand them, you will make friends because we humans can tell, intuitively, when there is a hidden agenda.

Hidden agendas can be anything from "please don't hate me" or "like me" or "boost me" or "be impressed by me". They are all unauthentic.

Also, when you focus curiously on getting to know as much about them as possible in a short time, it will be like a competition where you are not thinking about yourself or what they may think of you.

Focus on them - make it all about them, and be curious about it. Let it show that you are curious. You don't need to value them by saying something is great or cool or interesting, just see them as a mystery piece of a puzzle that you are unwrapping. What do they find interesting lately, what town are they from, what languages do they speak? You want to walk away being able to summarise a short story about them, and it's ok if they know nothing about you. If you focus 100% on them, they will feel 100% seen, and you will have no time for internal dialogue, which will show in your energy. And I don't mean "woo-woo" energy. Measurable coherence of your heart beat variation and breathing and presence and coherence.

Friendly mirroring - Just listen, smile as if they already are a friend and repeat some of their words back to them, exactly the way they said them. They will feel incredibly heard the moment they a word they said, repeated back.

"Hi, my name is Jill"

"Jill"

"Yes” (thank you, that is so great, you already know my name.)

Yes, it is that simple. Think of a friend you like, and smile as if you are smiling to that friend, that will be an authentic smile. Which you want it to be. Or be neutral and just curious.

Avoid paraphrasing - the moment you paraphrase a word or the meaning of something, you are at intense risk of losing them. It is not their words. Use their metaphors. If they "struggle" with work-life balance, just say "struggle". They will explain more and feel listened to. Which, they are.

Ask for a favour - asking of a favour is basically telling them "you have and know stuff I don't" which most people think of as being intelligent in recognising. Ask if they know about cooking and can tell you about some favourite meal because you want to learn a new one. Ask if they can help you decide which country to go to next. Then talk about why they like that country.

Check their body language - when it shifts, something has shifted in their minds. When any part of their body shifts away from you, they are obviously reflecting something - don't guess, just say "you just seemed to think about something, did you?" and they will explain the shift.

Attraction - As a side note on attraction and comfort, there are many mammalian mating signals humans usually do, but you cannot read them verbatim for every person, some people fake them, some are unaware of what they may be feeling. This is not to manipulate, it is to understand:

Laughing and touching hair or neck is usually as sign of being comfortable and possibly slightly attracted. This is not the same as interested or any intent.

Touching shoulder or arm while speaking is usually a sign of ease, comfort and trust. It can also be a testing of boundaries.

Quick blinking is nervous system gearing up, staring without blinking is usually safe and calm and interested, and can also be zoning out, daydreaming and threatening. If everything else is good, slow blinking is good.

Keep your own body comfortably resting, steady, grounded, curious, friendly, and at an appropriate distance. Keep hands visible, hidden hands can signal hidden intent, weapon, nervousness.

If nothing else, here is a short list:

Be curious

Focus on them 100%

Be a friendly mirror

Ask for a favour or tip

Calibrate their body language and para-linguistics for shifts, but don't read in too much

Have fun, be fun.